after not sleeping last night and trying to create a new layout for my blog. i must say i am quite happy with how this one turned out.. i know i’m n00b and all but, seeing this one.. i guess i am not that bad. although there are better far more beautiful layouts.. i don’t feel half bad about this now.

i know i have a lot to learn.. and more pain to endure.

but i will get there..

-said the little lamb to the sheperd boy.

god is trying to play games with me again.. he’s fucking up my life.. yet again.. after taking from me.. the only man i ever loved.. and giving him to another.. i fell to pieces.. i thought i already picked myslef up and put me back together again.. i thought god couldn’t possibly hurt me more than that.. but..

i am completely wrong. god is again.. fucking up my life… and i am helping him.

serves me right.. because i am evil. i do not know love. i only know hatred. vengeance is the only thing that keeps me alive. it pains me though because the person i thought who is incapable of hurting me.. was able to kill my soul and break my spirit. and it has remained broken since.

i am not much of a writer.. and i am too much of a liar.. to deserve anyone who would completely put their faith in me.. and and truly, love me.. for whoever i am.. and whoever i turn out to be.

right now…

i stand to lose this machine and possibly my job along with it.. but i am left to pay for the bills that this misadventure hath brought upon me. my reckless behavior led to my own downfall.

and from the look of things.. there is no where else to go.. but down.

after i thought i started to believe in fairy tales again.. after i thought that one day.. i will be happy… i should grow up.. happily ever after MY ASS.. ever after.. after what? everything? what is everything?

per chance.. is it DEATH?

if death is the ultimate end of everything.. when is mine?