i live in constant fear of being inadequate. inad…
May 19, 2006, 3:22 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i live in constant fear of being inadequate. inadequate for myself. inadequate for other people, especially people i care about.

contrary to popular belief i do care. i always look like i don’t. i always seem like i don’t. i make it appear like i don’t. because sometimes, i see it as weakness. a weakness i’d rather not show to people, especially those i love. i do not want them to think me weak.. i do not want them to see me weak. that’s why i do not speak of my pain, even when asked nicely. it doesn’t mean i hate them.. it doesn’t mean i don’t trust them. i just do not want them to know i am in pain. because it will cause them pain as well.. and its something i find very hard to deal with. i cry too, like normal people. i just don’t show everyone. those who do see me cry are the ones i hold dearest to me. because they are the only ones capable of comforting me through that ordeal. so if you ever saw me cry, its not an accident. its because i let you. its because i trust you. its because i believe that you can make the pain go away.

right now, what makes me cry is the fear. of being inadequate. of my efforts always being “not enough” for those i offered my time to. i am afraid of not being able to give out what is expected of me. i am afraid of breaking the hearts of those who trust me. i am afraid of breaking the trust of those who love me, over and over again.

i only look like a grown woman. but i will always be a child. i will cry when i am in pain. but like a thief, i will always be hiding in the shadows. fearful that someone might see me. fearful that someone who doesn’t care might see me… fearful of being ignored. fearful of being set aside. fearful of not being important enough. because i am inadequate.

more than i could give.. more than i could offer.. a life that i can’t live..

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