nobody knows who i really am…
maybe they just don’t give a damn…
but if i ever need someone to come along…
i know you will follow me…
and keep me strong~

and everytime i see your face…
the ocean heaves up to my heart…
you make me wanna strain at the oars…
and soon i can see the shore~

“unmei no huneoko gi nami wa tsugi kara tsuki e to watashi-tachi o sou kedo
sore mo suteki na tabi ne, dore mo suteki na tabi ne”

” loved~ What you and I spoke of.. And others just read of… Others only read of the love, the love that I love..”

just how important are words? if something was said aloud, does it make it true? if something was left unsaid.. does it make it.. UNtrue?

the past years.. i regret having said nothing.. having suppressed my emotions.. being too cynical. too stern.. too cool. no.. COLD. its no mystery that i fell in love. and i still am in love. but i never really embraced that fact. because love is a concept i never really understood. i believed my family loved me.. they fed me, sheltered me, clothed me, and educated me.. so far, that what love is to me. meeting the physical needs of the entity you claim to love. then i fell in love with a boy. he showed me the emotional side of it. i have never been this close to a human before. i have never been held like this by a human before. i have never spoke to a human like this before. no human has ever even tried to be this close to me. and actually said the words that would eventually mean the world to me. “i love you” words never really meant as much, so i was not one to express my feelings. and i was never really attuned to my feelings. all i know is that i want to keep this boy safe from harm, keep him happy, and keep him alive. that’s how i knew i love him. having grown up with fairy tales, i belived in a one true love. so i figured maybe its this one for me. but i wasn’t expecting anything, until the boy proposed marriage.. a couple of times.. and i was an idiot to refuse each and every single proposal. but i do not regret it. don’t i? at least i’d want to think so. the boy left me. found someone else.. then got broken. threw away his heart.. yet i still love him. but, now i remain friends with the boy.. who is now a man. and as for me. i’m working on my life. i got a new job and i intend to keep it. i’ll grow up someday. sooner than everyone thinks. and when i do, i’ll finally get the courage to show the boy how i really feel. show him.. and the world.. that no matter what happens to both of us. i remain his and his alone. all this time i have been refusing the advances of other men. and will continue to do so until i am back where i belong. a place in the world.

“and i’m almost finally finally out of words~”

“there is no need for promises”

i just got back from an exam a while ago from a potential employer. another call center. but this time around i intend to keep the job they’d offer me, should i pass the final interview later 3pm.

if i do not sabotage myself.. i can go places. i know i can. i didn’t know what held me back all these years.. maybe i’m just godam lazy T_T

no time for that now. i need money O_o

don’t we all?

“live like there’s no tomorrow; laugh like you’ll die today”

katrina, talk is cheap. there will be no more need for words, your words. you should not write about your life anymore. you’d end up lying anyway. living under the illusion that everything is under control, when it is not. trust me katrina.. you are a wreck.. you never controlled anything.

katrina, you need to grow up. fairy tales do not exist. they’re diversions parents invented for children. to give them hope. to keep them hoping. but children grow up. like all humans do. hell, even animals grow up.

time to let go. of dreams. face it. out here… katrina.. you are nobody, no one can save you.. no one is out to get you.. you are insignificant. the only way you’d be truly alive is when you become a part of something significant. like a job.. an organization.. a church.. any group that the world deems significant.

do not throw your life away. someone will be sad. you do not want to be the cause of that sadness.. you never wanted to cause anyone pain.. you’re just too godam irresponsible. you are running out of time, katrina.. out of options.

make the most of what little opportunity you have right now. don’t throw it all away. refuse to live under that illusion. turn your back on death. you’ll get there one day.. no need to chase after it.

“we are all rowing a boat of fate.. the waves keep on coming and we cannot escape.. but if we ever get lost on our way.. the waves would guide us through another day”

i have been watching this anime “BLEACH” about dead guys and stuff.. the song is infectious. plus, the lyrics are comforting. to say the least.

rukia.. kuchiki rukia.. i loved her.. until she became weak.. but even in her weakened state she still had nerves of steel. despite what everyone else thinks.. i still believe she’s pretty. and she has loveleh hair. i could only wish i’d look that cool T_T

alas.. i can only dream..

“It’s not a habit, it’s cool, I feel aliveIf you don’t have it you’re on the other side“

i remember a friend from years passed. he made me promise to never partake of alcohol again lest i do it in his presence. because i did a terrible thing to him. i made him bear witness to my drunk en nature. you see, when i am drunk, i tend to cast away fear. i become reckless in the process. i feel heightened emotions. it was the first time he saw me cry.. come to think of it.. it was the only time he saw me at my weakest.. yet most honest.

it was at the party held after the awarding ceremony at a classmate’s house. everyone was there. me, my friends, my officers, my friends… i drank every glass handed to me. it was delicious.. and fun. i remember being very lively at one point then very quiet after that. i was running around.. hitting people.. throwing ice at my officers.. playing basketball with some others.. i remember constantly falling down.. crying.. running.. talking.. screaming.. singing like i own the place.. dancing like a stripper.. and then.. finally falling asleep on the couch. i distinctly remember seeing his worried face before my eyes closed. the last words i heard were his, calling out to my friends.

i woke up with my friends looking at me, wiping a wet towel on my brow, asking me if i was alright. i’m lucky i have women friends back there. they watched over me when i passed out. they said i had been sleeping for almost two hours and the party is over. they said we needed to go home, the others have already gone home. so i stood up and scanned the area, looking for him. but he wasn’t there anymore, i figured the idiot probably passed out, too. “i’ll just talk to him tomorrow at school” so i did not bother to drop by his house to thank him for calling reinforcements. so i went home.. threw up.. and went to sleep with a big ass headache.
at school, i saw him walking at the corridor on the way to his class. i ran to him and he said “hey, you’re okay now” i said “yeah, thanks. i’m sorry for being a burden” he shook his head and smiled, “no, it was no big deal i had fun looking after you. just promise me one thing.. ” “sure.”
“katrina, promise me you’ll never drink a single drop of alcohol, unless i’m there with you” so i nodded my head in agreement.

two years after that incident lone after we last saw each other. i broke the promise. one new year’s eve, i drank to my heart’s content. at first i felt bad for betraying that promise i made to a good friend. but i got over it when i saw him again recently.. he’s changed alot and its like he’s a different person. he’s not the friend i once knew. i was heartbroken. but at the very least i did not feel bad about breaking a promise to him.

then last night.. the words that i never thought i’d hear again.. from the lips that kissed me and stole my heart. “katrina… don’t get drunk ever” i said “i’m not drunk” and he said “i didn’t say you’re drunk now, i just said don’t get drunk. just don’t” this time around.. i intend to keep that promise.

“ I know that you see the trees
Made of gold And I’ll see the world war in your
Eyes unfold I know that you will be
perfect and mine When you see your world stop short
Of the end of the line “

its been a few days since i last said anything. but my silence means nothing. maybe i was just tired? maybe.. who knows. last friday i went to places i never would have on my own. it feels like an RPG. after a long hiatus, an old friend returned to me, and asked for a favor i could not refuse.. out of love, perhaps.. out of comraderie.. or out of brotherhood? needless to say, i went with him. i was like a child, gawking at anything i saw.. anything because frankly, that place.. is totally new to me. should he decide to leave me there.. i would never have gotten home. alive. but he didn’t so i’m still here. i never knew QC was so big.. and.. well.. not as pretty as the place i’m from. makati. yeah there were buildings.. stuctures.. schools.. fast food.. mall.. trains.. buses.. cars.. blazing fast cars.. and buses that could have killed me if i wasn’t really careful out there. but to me, it was hostile territory. after finishing his “quests” we went out to see a movie. its been a while since i went to see a movie. i enjoyed it. a lot. it was a long day. he took me back home and he left because dusk was upon us. and elune has not shown her face. it was dark and he needed rest as well. i tried to go to sleep.. but i found my cousin still awake on her bed. it has been a while since i last felt like this.. i told her all about my adventures for the day. i was surprised i didn’t fall asleep at once.. i was tired.. but i was too excited. the adrenalin rush.. i never felt this rush in a long time. my feet hurt from all the walking but it was all worth it. i abandoned him once before.. but i will never again make that mistake. this time around, i take it upon myself to always look after his safety, in my own little way. heck i even go to church now.

i helped my friend finish his quests.. but i have yet to finish mine. my quests started a long time ago.. and everytime i try to get it, ifind myself failing each and everytime. and now. it scares me. my ass is broke. but then again.. it is just money… what i have right now.. is peace.

“what can’t kill me will only make me stronger.”

today i met a few people who helped me take on challenges that i would otherwise be unable to perform alone.. yes.. i was on PQ the whole day/night/twilight/dawn.

it was the first time i set foot in that environment so my legs were still kinda shaky.. but my party members helped.. a lot.. yeah.. i’m their leader.. and they’re my party members.. lol.. a n00b leading them.. and actually pulling through.

slime king was a pushover.. i had 2 asassins and 1 bandit in the party so it was kinda easy for them to take out the slime king.. the sins alone were enough.. all i had to do was speak to the fairies.

although my corporeal manifestation is reeking with disease, i still found my way around. it has been three or more earth days, i have been experiencing what seems like asthma.

i stayed with my doctor cousin for the weekend and it still haven’t gotten better..

i still feel nauseaus every now and then and i still feel like my lungs are being torn from my chest. its painful but bearable. just like everything in the world..

it will pass.

just got wanged~

i bought a flurry of cash only items for this game O2Jam and hell.. did i enjoy myself?

i bought for elise~ this loveleh loveleh song by beethoven.. heh. i was gonna buy it for my friends too but, i tont know how to.. so i just sent them other items..

i also bought 3 different hairstyles.

netgames is not a money hungry company like lug or mobius.. their items are really err.. no.. not cheap.. uber affordable. there.. not cheap but affordable.. affordable means its reasonably priced. reminds me of maple story

makes me wonder now.. what happened to my character there.. she’s kinda in a coma. can’t play here.. no other computer shop i play in has that game.. just webquest..

mental note to self: go to webquest once you return to manila.

mental note to self: dinner is served.

“You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You’re breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
You philosophies on art, Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you’d speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You’d teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must’ve gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I’ve mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You’re tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You’re breaking my heart
You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that “

i love jewel.. she’s cool..