its over

i found a nice gallery online… and i instantly fell in love with it..

pyromaniac

check it out… we never met, me and the artist. i would love to, though.

i asked him for permission to use his drawings to post it here in my blog.. and well.. i hope he agrees. i really think it best represents who i am. that drawing with the umbrella and the kitty.

besides, its about time i let mogster and eluded go…

loyalty is my biggest weakness… i am loyal to the point of fanaticism. i have no idea why.

anyway, i found this at last.. this thing i have been looking for… for more than a year now…

Stone Cold Said So

this is by far one of the most “creative things vince macmahon and his company(WWE) came up with that actually made me smile.. even for just a few moments.

i rarely smile.. so i treasure the moments.. forever.

i live in constant fear of being inadequate. inadequate for myself. inadequate for other people, especially people i care about.

contrary to popular belief i do care. i always look like i don’t. i always seem like i don’t. i make it appear like i don’t. because sometimes, i see it as weakness. a weakness i’d rather not show to people, especially those i love. i do not want them to think me weak.. i do not want them to see me weak. that’s why i do not speak of my pain, even when asked nicely. it doesn’t mean i hate them.. it doesn’t mean i don’t trust them. i just do not want them to know i am in pain. because it will cause them pain as well.. and its something i find very hard to deal with. i cry too, like normal people. i just don’t show everyone. those who do see me cry are the ones i hold dearest to me. because they are the only ones capable of comforting me through that ordeal. so if you ever saw me cry, its not an accident. its because i let you. its because i trust you. its because i believe that you can make the pain go away.

right now, what makes me cry is the fear. of being inadequate. of my efforts always being “not enough” for those i offered my time to. i am afraid of not being able to give out what is expected of me. i am afraid of breaking the hearts of those who trust me. i am afraid of breaking the trust of those who love me, over and over again.

i only look like a grown woman. but i will always be a child. i will cry when i am in pain. but like a thief, i will always be hiding in the shadows. fearful that someone might see me. fearful that someone who doesn’t care might see me… fearful of being ignored. fearful of being set aside. fearful of not being important enough. because i am inadequate.

more than i could give.. more than i could offer.. a life that i can’t live..

i found out a while ago that the dsl people came to this house yesterday but there was no one here so they were unable to set up my connection. bummer.

i’ve been keeping myself busy in the meantime so my brain doesn’t rot. i’ve been drawing and coloring a lot lately. here’s on of them. yeah yeah.. big surprise.. its mogster.. yet again. i used watercolor on it. and its kinda crude. i’m gonna be better.

anyway, i was watching news the other day and they’re going to show the Da Vinci Code here… with a mature rating. HAHAHA! i knew they can’t ban that movie here. even if this is a catholic country with members of Opus Dei crawling all over the place. because let’s face it. the movie s based on a book based on fiction. fiction = not real. may be based on some facts but the book is under fiction. meaning we shouldn’t take it seriously. c’mon, guys, its not a bible, its a fiction book. let’s just leave it at that and enjoy the movie. we have to learn to let loose sometimes… people can be such tight-asses here in this country. sometimes its amusing, but for the most part, its annoying.

i have recently recieved good news. my dsl application is on the move. i’m up for scheduling already… i’m hoping some time this coming week i’d get my long wanted connection.

as always.. no matter how the world tries to knock me down. i will always get up. i will not fuck up my life just because some guy left me alone for another woman… just because he said he’s questing for knowledge and all that shit. and asks me to grow a backbone so when he goes back to me we’d both be better people. fuck.. i can’t wait that long.. sure as hell he can’t 2 weeks after breaking up with me he already has a new girlfriend. that’s pathetic. he’s going to end up like his father. with a lot of women. and a blazing trail of pain. of course he will never admit it. he’s gonna act all tough and cool.

guess what i already have a backbone. he’s just too chicken shit to admit that he’s just like his dad. can’t survive without a woman to “love”.

respect for myself.. i am now demanding people to respect me. i am commanding them to respect me. i am a force of nature. the wings of life and death. the harbinger of the wild’s wrath. i am order and chaos. i am a woman. more than that, i am katrina. no one knows who i am. only i have the answer to that question. and only time can tell me what i have become and what i will become. more than destiny, i am making my own. i will find ways for myself to go back to who i really am. it will be hard, considering i am living in a superficial world. and i am motivated by different things. torture is not a form of motivation, not for me. i’m not sadistic/masochistic. i do not believe that inflicting pain will give me results i wanted. no matter how harsh that may seem. although i work best when under pressure, i’d rather not when i have the chance. right now. i’m taking that chance. i cannot rot myself here imprisoned in my own laziness here at home. where my body is comfortable. i cannot be comfortable. it makes me more lazy. i have to be kept at my toes. always under pressure. its where i shine the most. when i am in a hurry.. when my head hurts with migraine. when i am being pushed to my limits.

but no… i don’t smoke weed. i can’t. i don’t smoke. i don’t drink liquor as well.. i’d rather not get drunk again. its for people who do not have the courage to commit suicide under traditional means. not that i do have the courage to commit suicide. i just have too many reasons not to. and i’m happy because its enough to keep me alive. sometimes i wish i were dead.. but when those images come to mind. i am at peace with myself. i will not kill myself. i will not let other people kill me. i will not die. especially not of heart ailments/ high blood pressure/ diabetes/ or other fat related diseases. i may develop ulcers… but i will not die of fat. i’d rather die of stupidity or accidents.. but not of fat. i will not let it kill me.

i need to get myself back.. i need to get better. i am not worth the clothing on my back. i need to be worth it. its all about worth. in this world. no one respects you unless you command respect. and for you to command respect you need to be worth it. its all about money. better = not like right now. better = lotsa money. better = 90 lbs lighter. better = high paying job. better= a life.

because i no longer have the strength to make friends. and i do not need friends.. nor do i want them. i have nothing. my existence is but an empty dream of forever happening again.